Often I have this feeling of detachment. It doesn’t happen as often now as it once did, but still it happens none the less. Seconds, hours, or even days have passed and I snap back to reality and wonder how I made it from point A to point B. It seems as if I put no conscious effort into my actions or my life, as if the events just happened on their own free will. Almost like life is happening to me and not with me. Feeling like a passive participant in life can be frightening. Derealization is a real disorder where people feel disconnected from their reality, but it’s the best term I can think of to describe those feelings.
I’ve always been afraid of the passing of time. How we can never have control over it. It goes by so quickly and it’s easy to get caught up in the flow of it. Maybe getting lost in time is really what I’m feeling. Lost in the time that’s passing at the speed of light. Very rarely do I catch myself living in the present moment. Soaking up the fact that I’ll never live in that moment again. My mind is preoccupied with thoughts of the past or worries of the future. When I realize I’m wasting so many moments then I start to worry about that.
Racing time – a fight that never ends. I want to be able to press pause and live in a moment forever. I want to be able to feel the embrace of a loved one for as long as I wish. To hear my parents laughing for as long as I wish. To live in the moment without ceasing. I can’t do that and it hurts. I’ve never come to peace with the passing of time and I’m afraid I never will. Those moments of detachment, well, I don’t know what those are. All I do know is I don’t have enough time to feel like I’m not here, or trapped in the past or future. I don’t have time to wonder how I ended up where I have. I don’t have time.
This moment, this is where I want to stay.